Aster's Ledger

Summary

Bone's scouting raised Cragmaw Castle's alarm, and a bizarre bluff about millions of soldiers led to Shoomit stripping for a manacled audience while Beatrix planned to hide in his folds as a ferret. The ruse collapsed into an entrance fight; the battered party retreated, waited two days, returned, killed King Grol, and cornered a wounded Vyerith—only for the doppelgänger to seize unconscious Gundren as a human shield.

Key Events

Pre-Game Banter and the Setup at Cragmaw Castle

• The table opened on "P-brains" and the transitive property — Shoomit argued that little P-brains could outsmart giants "by transitive property," while Beatrix dismissed politics and started to explain that she simply brings people back to life.
• NCHPS petitioned for a non-canon entry — asking to put "Jesse went and pooped at the beginning of the session" on the record; the DM ruled "That is not Canon, actually." and "Not Canon, Ssar." The table agreed it happened, just not in canon.
• The DM briefed Aster "for the record" — the party is at Cragmaw Castle, its stealth check succeeded "for the most part," and Bone is aloft scouting. Bone's scouting was notably not stealthy, but it didn't seem to matter.
• Beatrix and Shoomit bickered about their shared past — the big wolf that blew down a grandma's house ("Happened to a friend of a friend. My friend told me this story. He said it happened to his friend."), Shoomit missing Beatrix's museum opening, and Shoomit's divorce: "He's trying to take half my gems. You don't understand that shit." Beatrix: "You only had two gems." Shoomit, wearily: "I'm starting to lose track of what I've done and done did not say."

Bone's Scouting Run and the Raised Alarm

• Bone flew over the castle — from above, crumbling walls and turrets, and through the arrow slits, more goblins and other creatures moving inside.
• The DM halted the scout mid-flight for initiative — Bone, using the owl stat block, had to roll initiative with disadvantage; Beatrix's player despaired that it was the first good roll of the night (17). Bone's senses picked up a small squeak somewhere near — the sound of something that had followed him before.
• Bone bolted skyward — Beatrix described his "dinosaur instincts" kicking in as he dashed 120 feet straight up, climbing to about 130 feet, then winged back at altitude and dropped down to 70 feet near the party.
• Beatrix, delighted — "Plan worked perfectly. See, they're coming to us now. We didn't have to go in the front door."
• The alarm went up — clanking bows and shouting in Goblin from inside; everyone rolled initiative and the tracker filled with combatants. Beatrix: "Every fucking enemy in the whole castle is alerted to our presence?" The DM clarified it was not all of them — the tracker showed roughly twelve, not the whole castle.
• The DM consoled the table — "Well, it's not so terrible because Bone escaped being killed." and "With Bone on your side, anything's possible." Shoomit: "You guys think we can talk our way out of this one?"

Glomblax Peeps, Hides, and Taps the Stone

• Glomblax found a peephole — moving five feet to a slit, he saw two goblins rising from their bunks and arming themselves. Peeking openly would have gotten him shot, and he had no ranged weapon, so he hid instead — his Stealth succeeded easily.
• The DM explained the slits — Glomblax: "They're made for shooting out, not shooting in." The geometry makes attacking from outside into these slits very difficult.
• Glomblax used Stone Cunning — touching the stone wall as a bonus action, he gained tremorsense out to 60 feet for ten minutes. The VTT's tremorsense vision rendered everything purple and couldn't actually see through walls — Glomblax: "Wait. I can't see through the wall, but it looks cool as hell."
• The DM narrated the layout instead — within 60 feet: three goblins in one chamber, one goblin in another, a mess hall packed with goblins eating behind a big barricade (not yet on alert), two more goblins, and "a few people" in another room. More defenders lurked beyond his range.
• Glomblax's report — "There's a lot of them in there. Like, a lot." He relayed the mess hall, the turrets, and that "the ones at the turrets are the ones that can see us."
• Beatrix called for repositioning — asking the DM to bring Glomblax and John over to where the party was hidden.

Retreat or Recruit?

• Glomblax floated a withdrawal — "tactical retreat, tactical retreat." The DM pushed back: "Run away and lose out on these slaves?" Beatrix refused: "We can't run away. This is what we've been looking for." She also insisted "Yeemik's ex-husband is in there."
• Shoomit pitched the dragon gambit — argue that a dragon is coming and the goblins will fight for their lives: "What if we convince them they're in mortal danger and that a dragon is coming? ... They'd be willing to fight a dragon for their lives. Right?"
• Beatrix caught the flaw — "And then we tricked them into slavery. Is that what you're saying?" Shoomit: "No. No. No. This time, we actually find the dragon because we'll have the numbers on our side."
• The sending stone joke — mid-negotiation, Beatrix paused: "Before we continue this conversation, I better turn off the sending stone that I left on a call." (Glomblax had supposedly fallen asleep on his.)

Arrows from the Arrow Slits

• First shot missed Beatrix — the attacker rolled a 5; the DM: "Beatrix, you notice an arrow whiz right by your head."
• Defenders hid and readied actions — several goblins took cover in the turrets and windows, preparing shots.
• Beatrix took a hit — a 22 to hit, 4 piercing damage from a shortbow. Beatrix: "Shoomit, they're firing at me. I'm getting behind you." then "Where the fuck is Shoomit?"
• Another attacker missed — the DM described "a bolt of lightning" passing right over Beatrix's head.
• Shoomit was too well hidden — the hippo wasn't visible on the map at all, and Beatrix complained he'd let her eat the arrows. "You're too good at hiding, you damn dirty hippo." Shoomit: "I could squeeze into the tiniest of cracks, the most unlikeliest of cracks."
• The crevice story — Beatrix recalled finding him "ankle deep in a crevice. Just your little shoes poking out." Shoomit: "You know I love cave, and that's where all the good diamonds are." Beatrix: "It took us three days and 50 men to dig you out." ... "We had to oil you up in ... peanut butter."
• Beatrix offered the dynamite — "Take the dynamite out of my pocket, Shoomit, and throw it in." Shoomit chose talking instead.

Shoomit's Warning at the Wall

• Shoomit hollered up at the castle — "Hey, you up there. We come with ... There'll be a dragon coming, and he gonna kill all of us. If you keep trying to shoot us, we got no chance." He spun it as a survivor's warning: the dragon took out a town down south, killing "the Acolytes, the druids, all," and the party were the only survivors.
• The goblin was unimpressed — "Well, that's nice. Go away now." He asked how they even knew where the castle was; Shoomit: "We just followed the direction he pointed in." The reply: "I think we'll take our chances. You can go on now."
• Shoomit asked for the leader — the goblin refused: "I don't have the authority to order that. You're gonna just have to leave. Otherwise, we're gonna have to shoot you."
• Beatrix demanded satisfaction — "I demand medical attention. I'm gonna have my boyfriend beat you up." and "Tell them that I'm gonna bring a lawsuit for the arrow sticking out of my shoulder." Since lawyers don't exist yet in these parts, the castle's archers were going on "the list" — "We're gonna bring them out from Neverwinter on the train." She adopted the role formally: "We're inventing lawyers right now. ... My client's gonna keep his belt on."
• Shoomit's cost-benefit analysis — "If we sued everyone that shot arrows into our shoulders, we'd be suing the whole goddamn township."
• The party argued over how much to reveal — Beatrix blurted, "We know who it is, Shoomit. It's the wizard." Shoomit insisted they should pose as innocent bystanders: "we are trying to get on their good side ... if we let on that we know more about this place than they think, then we will not be on their good side." Beatrix bristled: "Are you telling me that people wouldn't assume that I am intelligent?"
• Shoomit rolled Persuasion — the DM called it "Pretty good," and the goblin went to confer with someone deeper inside.

The Unseen Voice and the Million-Men Bluff

• The goblin went to confer — a door opened somewhere inside, and the party heard a voice they couldn't make out, speaking with "a southern drawl." The goblin came back: no one is allowed in, they have to go, and he personally wouldn't tell anyone — "we don't have to, like, kill you or ... string you up or anything, but you guys can't be here."
• Beatrix's opening bluff — "We have a thousand men surrounding this castle." Working Bone like a ventriloquist's puppet (stick, tail-pull, flapping beak) to do her talking, she also claimed "We've got a thousand... You're surrounded on all sides."
• The goblin called it — "Show us the thousand men, because right now, it seems like you all are more surrounded than we are."
• The numbers escalated — the castle claimed a million men outside reinforcing it; Beatrix: "Don't tell me that, John. No. They aren't because we have our men out there, and they would have told me if there's a million men out there." The reply: "You're right. Because there's actually 2,000,000."
• Shoomit's estimate — "I don't think 2,000,000 can fit in there. Maybe one point two million." Then, defending the possibility that they'd simply missed them: "Hippos are not capable of looking up. I think we've established this before." ... "So it's entirely likely that there are a million people in the trees." The goblin: "Yes. They were all in the trees, and you didn't see them."
• Beatrix's parting logic — "We couldn't have walked past 2,000,000 men out in the woods now, could we, without noticing?" and to Shoomit, "I don't think I've ever seen you look up."
• Beatrix's Insight check (14) — he's lying — "I can tell that you're lying." The goblin doubled down: "Actually, you're right. I was lying. There's actually 3,000,000." Beatrix, cornered in the logic: "You can't prove a negative."

Terms of Entry: Underpants and Manacles

• The leader's terms came back — the big hippo walks up the steps manacled with zero weapons and can speak to the king; or they kill the party; or everyone leaves and calls it "a whole misunderstanding." The DM: "You're walking up the steps naked. ... Don't wanna see your weapons either."
• Shoomit negotiated his dignity — "You want me completely unclothed, weapon in weapon out and everything. Where is your modesty? I will take out all my weapons, but I ain't getting naked." ... "I will roll my sleeves and ankles up." ... "I'll pull it down just enough. You can see a little crack." At one point he asked if he could keep his belt; Beatrix, as counsel: "My client's gonna keep his belt on."
• The big-hog exchange — Shoomit: "You wanna see my big hog?" Beatrix, deadpan: "He wants to look at his big hog."
• A hobgoblin warrior came out to supervise — watching Shoomit undress. Shoomit: "This pervert wants to see me naked. He wants to see my weapon out." ... "You do not understand the gravity of the situation." The hobgoblin: "I think I do understand the gravity of the situation." Shoomit also demanded "Are you resisting?" be understood as a mutual agreement rather than an order.
• Attorney-client privilege — Beatrix, still flapping Bone's mouth to speak, insisted on a private word: "Can I speak to my client for just a moment? ... This is the privilege that we hold. This is confidentiality."
• Shoomit's summary of the plan — "It's gonna be degrading for all of us. Okay?"
• NCHPS asked for the record — "Sister, put that on the record that they're perverts."
• Beatrix's Bone-puppet deception — the goblin admired the trick: "That's cool. You have a talking bird. What happened to the tabaxi I was shooting at?" Beatrix: "Oh, she's gone. It's just me." The goblin saw straight through it — "I literally just shot you." Beatrix: "Well, yeah, I'm bleeding." — and she kept working Bone like a puppet (joking that she'd named him Elmo, "or Kermit").

The Ferret in the Folds

• Beatrix's plan to get inside — could she shift into a small animal and ride in: "If I turned into a little creature like a mouse or a spider, what part of your naked body would you want me to hide in to get into the castle?" Shoomit: "You can hide in the folds of my fat right here."
• The shape chosen — Beatrix opted for a long ferret/polecat, suited to burrowing, folded up against him under his clothes while he stripped down to his underpants.
• The DM set the stakes for the hiding attempt — the goblins and hobgoblin are watching the undressing very closely for hidden weapons, so Beatrix must roll Stealth or Sleight of Hand; she noted her polecat form carries a +5. Shoomit offered "a plus eight this time" on his end.
• Shoomit tried to make the handoff look natural — he walked back toward Beatrix while unbuttoning his shirt and unzipping his pants so it looked as though he was merely undressing. When the DM asked whether he was hiding a weapon, Shoomit answered, "I'm hiding one thing," and Beatrix clarified, "He's hiding me."
• The surviving voice transcript cuts off mid-pat-down — Shoomit had agreed to be manacled and stripped, while Beatrix was preparing to conceal herself in animal form. The later session state below is reconstructed only from contemporaneous DM messages, live Foundry/Coach state, and the DM's later correction; the missing dialogue is not invented.

The Ruse Collapses and the Party Runs

• The audience plan became an entrance fight — the live state shows Beatrix falling from 23 HP to 10 before recovering to 13, John falling from 17 HP to 9 after Glasstaff attacked, and the castle's hobgoblins joining the defense. At 00:25, the DM stated plainly: "The party just ran away."
• The retreat reached the overland map — the party had pulled away from Cragmaw Castle with the alarm still raised. They discussed whether dynamite could breach a turret, but the surviving record does not establish that any was used.

Two Days Later

• The party chose to wait two days — the DM announced the delay during the retreat. When the party returned, the castle was still treated as warned rather than reset to an untouched state.
• They re-entered Cragmaw Castle — the live Foundry state placed the party back inside by 00:49, beginning the push toward the king's quarters.

King Grol Falls and Vyerith Takes a Shield

• Combat reached the king's quarters — King Grol was confirmed dead by 01:46. Vyerith was wounded but still fighting, and Gundren remained unconscious and stable at 0 HP in the room. The party had not yet learned the mine's location.
• Vyerith seized Gundren as a human shield — the wounded doppelgänger held the unconscious dwarf between herself and the party. The DM warned that a shot spoiled by Gundren's cover could strike him; the players disputed that a miss could hit the hostage unless the attack roll was a natural 1.

Session End

The session ended on the cliffhanger of Vyerith holding unconscious Gundren at 0 HP as a human shield while the party had the upper hand in the king's-quarters fight.